Guide: The Right and The Wrong Way to Pet a Cat

While it might not sound like petting a cat is a challenging task, there are actually quite a few mistakes you can make in this simple action. While you're unlikely to hurt your kitty, petting them wrong can leave them frustrated or annoyed and reduce your ability to bond with them. You see this a lot with people who are more used to dogs, or who never had a pet growing up, and who "aren't cat people" now. "Cats just don't like me," they say, without recognizing that their actions are turning the cats away.

So, what is the right way to pet a cat, and what are the mistakes you might make?

Common Mistakes with Petting a Cat

Let's start with the mistakes. If you're doing any of these when trying to pet a cat, don't be surprised if they get annoyed and leave and choose to spend their time elsewhere.

Petting a place they don't like.

First and foremost, petting a cat in a place they don't like is a surefire recipe for disaster.

There's a meme with cat parents that the belly is a trap. They lay there, belly exposed, begging for a tummy rub, but the moment you try, they pounce. All four legs and their mouth are ready and able to go after your hand.

This is… kind of true. Some cats don't mind, or even enjoy, belly rubs. Others will enjoy it, but they need to be in the mood. Some really hate it. The "trap" behavior is really just because your cat is stimulated and wants to play. The kicks, the nibbles, these are play actions. If they were truly mad at you, instead of a few playful bites, they'd have shredded the flesh from your hand and run off.

Obviously, it's different if they're minding their own business and you grab them, flip them, and try to rub their belly. They really aren't going to like that. Usually. Some cats don't mind it! At least, as long as you already have a bond with them, and they're a relatively docile cat to begin with.

Beyond the belly, though, there are a few places where almost no cat wants to be pet. Unless you're very familiar with the cat, the cat trusts you intimately, and they're in the mood, don't pet a cat:

• On their legs.

• Directly on their paws (no squeezing the toe beans, sadly)

• Their tail itself.

Now, I'm sure a lot of people have experience that runs counter to this, but it's more of a generalization. All cats are their own individuals and have different preferences and tolerance levels. A well-socialized, well-loved cat will be tolerant of anything, while a cat that was feral or a stray for a long time will be very hesitant to let their guard down.

Petting their rear end.

This one is interesting. Some cats always seem to rub themselves in a way that you find yourself giving them pets or scritches at the base of their tail. They arch up to get a little more out of it, even. Surely they love it, right?

Oddly enough, it turns out that may not be the case. One study actually found that the caudal region – that area at the base of their tail on their back – elicited the most negative responses from cats.

Note that it didn't find that all cats dislike it; just that cats, in general, were more likely to dislike it than petting in other locations. It still depends on the cat. Generally speaking, unless you know the cat already, avoid that area.

Trying to pet them when they're scared, anxious, or sick.

Cats hate showing weakness. That's why so many people, near the end of their kitty's life, find that they seem to go from "fine" to "on death's door" in a matter of days or even hours. Cats hide their pain and illness until it becomes too much to hide, so it seems like it comes out of nowhere.

If a cat is scared, stressed, or anxious, they aren't going to want to be touched. They'd rather find a quiet, dark place they can hide, where they don't have to worry about external factors and can concentrate on themselves. Digging them out or chasing them down to pet them won't help matters at all.

When they're sick or in pain, petting them can be actively painful. In fact, if your cat is usually friendly and likes to be pet but is shying away and hiding when you try to pet them, that can be an early sign that something is wrong, and you should take them to the vet.

Going for pets when they want to play.

The other mistake people make – and the origin of the belly trap meme – is people trying to pet cats when the cats are riled up and looking to hunt, play, or otherwise engage in an altogether different kind of behavior.

Think about it: pets are for snuggling, snoozing, and relaxing. You don't want someone to come in with the lavender scents and the soothing music when you're in the middle of a sports game, right? If your cat's tail is twitching, their eyes are big, and they're pouncing or dashing around, trying to pet them isn't going to work. Instead, play with them until they're tuckered out; then, you can pet them while they rest.

How to Pet a Cat the Right Way

Alright, with the mistakes out of the way, let's talk about how to properly pet your feline friend.

Start with holding out a hand.

Unless you're familiar with this particular cat, the first thing you should do is hold out a hand and let them come to you. Unfamiliar felines are probably going to be hesitant to approach unless they're generally well-socialized and friendly. You usually don't want to go straight to attempting to pet a strange cat since you never know how they'll react.

So, hold out a hand or point a finger at them. If you want, make a pspspsps kind of noise or the ma-ah noise. Let them come to you. If they're willing, they'll come give your hand a sniff, maybe rub their face on you, and then it's fair game to engage with them.

One thing you should avoid doing is staring. Staring at a cat is a sign of caution and even aggression in cat language. You might notice that a cat that is comfortable with you will do a long, slow blink at you; that's an immense sign of trust. You can slowly blink at them, too, and look away; it can trigger them to feel safer around you.

Start with simple, slow, gentle petting.

When the cat allows you to start petting them, it's time for some gentle exploration.

First, start with soft pets. Dogs might love a deep skin scratch or some surprisingly hard pats on the side, but most cats won't (though, as always, some cats love it if they trust you.) Keep your pressure light, and if you go for scritches, keep them light as well.

Always pet with the fur, which means from head to tail. It can be really irritating to try to go against the fur, both for the cat and for you, since it won't be a smooth flow.

Keep it slow, too. Cats generally don't want rapid petting; they want longer, slower stroking. It's also more therapeutic for you and can even help lower your blood pressure and calm your anxieties!

Pet the right places.

Just like there are wrong places to pet a cat, there are also right places.

The usual go-to is long, slow strokes along their side or back. While going too far – right up to the tail – can be a bit much, running a hand along their side can be a great option.

Cats that are friendlier and more into petting will enjoy scratches around the base of their ears, as well as light scratches under their chin. Sometimes, they'll even enjoy having their cheeks and eyebrows rubbed. Some cats like to be more active when being pet and will maneuver themselves for whatever they want, while others will simply lay and enjoy what you bring to them.

If the cat flops over and exposes their belly, well, it's either a trap, a sign they're comfortable and enjoying your presence, or an invitation for a belly rub. Do you risk it? Let me know in the comments.

Learn what they like.

If you're petting a random neighborhood stray or community cat, you might not even meet that cat again, so get your pets in while you can. If you're petting a friend's cat or adopting a kitty and getting to know them, it's time to learn what they like.

I've mentioned it a bunch throughout this post, but every cat is different, and every rule can be broken with the right feline. Some absolutely love belly rubs and will even reposition to put their belly in your way if you're trying to pet them somewhere else. Some like real hard, deep scratches. Some like taps and pats more like dogs. It all depends.

The only way you can find out what a cat likes is by trying it and observing their reactions. Learning the basics of cat body language will serve you well here, and you'll quickly be able to determine what they love, what they like, what they tolerate, and what they hate.

Petting a Cat Properly FAQ

Let's round things out with a few more details.

Is there anything you should watch for when petting a cat?

Yup! I already mentioned the shying away thing, which can indicate being in pain or sick. Otherwise, though, keep an eye on their ears and tail. If you're petting them and they start to swish their tail around and their ears start to edge back, it's time to stop.

Why? It means they're getting overstimulated. Some cats can only tolerate so much contact before they need to go solitary to recharge, and you want to stop before you drive them away. With luck, they'll still keep hanging out with you rather than wandering off to find a secluded place to rest, but don't be too concerned if they get up and go doze somewhere else.

Will a cat hate you if you pet them the wrong way?

Maybe, maybe not. Some cats are generally tolerant of pretty much anything. Some will get irritated and may be standoffish, but if you learn and respect their boundaries, they'll gradually open back up.

Some of them will decide they just don't like you and will stay away when they can. It really depends on the cat.

My cat hates it when I try to pet them, but I really want to. Help!

It's not a question, but I can still offer some advice.

First of all, this is generally an issue with socialization. Some cats are more standoffish and independent than others, but poorly socialized cats, especially ferals, really don't like to be touched.

You can work up to the point where you can pet them over time. It takes a lot of discipline, though. You need to take things at their pace. Don't try to approach them if they don't want you to come close. Don't stare at them, don't make noises at them, just exist in the same space as them so they can get comfortable with you.

Over time, they'll probably get closer and closer to you. Even if they come up to you, be cautious about trying to pet them. Let them explore you and get used to you before you try to go for pets.

During all of this, offer them food or treats. Avoid catnip, as this can rile them up, and you aren't going to pet a cat that's looking to hunt. Over time, your kitty will associate you with treats, will feel comfortable with you, and will gradually allow themselves to be touched. From there, start slow and cautious, and always watch for the signs that they're done and stop.

With enough work and enough time, you can have a close and loving relationship with your cat, but it will take effort to get there. Very little in life is more rewarding when you do, though.

If you have any questions about anything I discussed in this article, be sure to let me know in the comments section, and I'll get back to you as soon as possible!